Gone, Gone, Gone
by PepperAnn11
Summary: Meredith, what is she going to do, after losing her job, Zola and Derek.   Hopefully Alex will be able to reanimate his friendship with Meredith.  Will those two be able to find happiness?  I don't own GA, this is my first GA-FF, please be kind.
1. What kind of future?

Gone, Gone, Gone

Intro: After the 7th season, some parts of the 8th are included as well.

Meredith was on her way home, with Zola in her arms, but then realises that walking away won't be any help at all. She looks in Zola's face and is angry with everybody, Richard, Ellis, Owen, Derek, Alex, Izzie, George, Christina and herself. Especially Derek, how could he be so careless, leaving and risking to loose Zola, their baby-girl. She doesn't want to be like Derek, she turns around towards the entry-hall and Janet, who she is pretty sure, will take Zola away.

After leaving a crying Zola in Janet's arms, Meredith feels restless, unsure about where to go. She can't go home, where the whole house is covered in Zola's stuff, she can't work because she just was fired, she can't soak reassurance in Derek's arms because he left her, her and Zola. She doesn't know what to do and starts running towards the roof of the hotel. On her way there she passes Webber's office, startled by Alex loud voice, she stops for a while to listen to their conversation, she hears Alex offering to lie for her and that Richard has the whole day been trying to get a job for her. Still she can't forgive them, even if they had their reasons and in a way did the correct thing. Trying not to cry she listens, she leans in the room, through the crack of the door, when suddenly Alex turns towards her and sees her.

She starts running, running faster and faster, people are watching her, talking about her, Zola, the lost job, Adele, and she just wants to be far away. Suddenly she is on the roof, crying, during to get her fast beating heart to slow down. She can't breath, it doesn't even matter to her, there isn't anything to keep breathing for, nobody. Christina is on her way to start her own family, even if she doesn't know it yet, but after seeing her with Zola, Meredith is sure.

She slowly sinks to the ground staring into the distance, watching the sun go down, whishing for George and Izzie to be there. Why did she have to loose so many people, she doesn't want to loose further people. She hides her teary face in her knees.

Alex doesn't know what to do; he was a part of the reason why Meredith lost her job, her future. After his talk to Richard feels a little bit better, at least there is an other person, who believes in Meredith and fighting for her. He had seen Meredith rush past the office after listening in, but is sure that he would be the last person she would like to see. Therefore he starts his search for Derek or Christina to go after her. During his way, it comes to his knowledge that Derek has stopped talking to Meredith and that Janet has taken Zola away.

He doesn't think about how angry Meredith is with her, he just wants to help her. The person, who has been his first friend in Seattle, the person, who never left his side, no matter what he did. The person he even had a little crush on in the first few months.

He sees her shaking shoulders, doesn't need to ask whether she is crying, he has seen it often enough. But never was he the reason for her tears, it makes him feel sad and angry with himself. He steps closer to her sits down besides her, leaning back against the banister - an invitation to use his shoulder to cry into, or as a punching bag.

She turns, looks at him with cold, but still sad eyes and starts blubbering. "Why am I not enough to get people to stay; am I a bad person, why, I don't understand it?" "No, Mer, I am the bad person, not you. You just wanted to safe a person, it might have not been the right way, but the right sentiment. And you are enough and so much more, you are a good friend, you got me to open up, you are family person, you forgave your father and let your sister live with you, you are a promising surgeon and a good mom, Zola loves you and you are gonna get her back, I promise you… Shall I continue, I am sure I can go on for a while, or is this enough? And if the board of the Seattle Grace hospital and Derek are too stupid to recognize this, screw them. I mean it, I know you love Derek, but he has been an asshole. Every few years he decides that he put you down to make himself feel better and higher on a podest."

Meredith starts smiling through her tears and looks into Alex eyes – "I am sorry, I was angry with you, I know you didn't do anything wrong, I am angry with myself and the whole world right now." They just sit there, looking at the horizon, Alex grabs Meredith's hand, and they are content just sitting there, doing nothing.

After a while Alex gets up and Meredith follows suit…


	2. Sometimes it is easier to dream

Sometimes it is easier to dream than to live a reality.

She follows him the stairs down from the roof and they take the back way towards the changing room where they grab their bags, then they make their way to Alex' car. As soon as they meet other people, who start gossiping as soon as they see Meredith, she seems reluctant to keep walking. Therefore he takes her hand, a sign, that he is with her, come what may.

Without words they have come to an understanding, Alex is moving back home, into the frat house, Derek always hated. On their way they decide to get Tequila and order Pizza, they want one night, one night like they had as interns without these problems they have now. Just one carefree night, forgetting that it is Jackson, April and Lexie living with them instead of George and Izzie. One night imaging that George and Izzie are still with them, just having to work a night shift.

As they are about to enter the house Meredith stops, she looks with teary eyes at Alex – "I can't to this and I don't want, all of Zola's and Derek's stuff is gonna be in there." – "No, you CAN, you're strong, think of what you have overcome before, your parents actions towards you, the bomb, the accident with the ambulance, the nearly drowning, etc… and think how often Derek has left you and you always came out stronger. You can do everything and I am gonna be with you on every step, how long it may take, ok?" – sniffling she answers "Yes." and hugs him tight.

They make themselves comfortable on the sofa; forgo plates and glasses and start drinking and eating in easy silence. Suddenly Meredith says "You know, sometimes I wish I could turn back time…" – "Do to what? Never take back Derek? Which time? To save George from the bus?." – "I am not totally sure, maybe all of this and nothing at the same time. To save George, it wouldn't have been enough to somehow stop him from jumping in front of the bus. It would have had to be much earlier; maybe it started with the intern test; maybe when he married Callie, which I somehow have been the reason for. If I hadn't slept with George, he wouldn't have met Callie and so on. All is just a circle. Derek, yeah you are right, I shouldn't have taken him back, after finding out, he is married. That was just plain stupid. Maybe I should have taken you up on your offer for a date in our first intern year? You know I really thought about it, you were totally my type in these days, kind of an asshole with a soft heart under the rough exterior."

He just stares at her wide eyed, mouth open with a piece of pizza in his right hand, the cheese slowly dropping down, suddenly he starts coughing, after a few minutes he has regained his breathing back. – "You thought about dating me. I had no idea. Wow, how things might have gone different…" – "Yeah, but as you pointed out earlier all that happened made me stronger, the same applies to you. We wouldn't be the same people we are today, for example Izzie nearly dying made you somehow softer towards your female friends, not only me, but also Christina. You squabble, but don't fight any more, which makes my life a lot easier." – "True, I have to easy on her; making fun of a pregnant woman seems somewhat cruel." Alex smirks.

They continue eating, drinking, talking about important stuff and nonsense, making each other laugh. "God, Alex, do you remember the dresses Mama Burke wanted us to wear, weren't these just horrible." – "No, I would have loved to see you girls in all these tulle and ruffles, would have made my day." They are carefree, laughing and rolling around on the floor of the living room. "Autsch." – "Meredith, are you okay? What happened?" Alex scrambles towards where Meredith is lying on the floor holding her head. "I bumped my head at the couch table, it shouldn't be something serious." Alex takes her head in his hands and carefully searches for a bump, he finds a little one "You are right, it is nothing serious, but maybe we should still go to bed, before we got more hurt. By the way I don't have a room here, any more, Jackson took it over." – "Shit, I had forgotten this; you could sleep with me in my room. I know you are no George, but it still would be nice, to have a body close to me tonight. If you don't want, there is still the couch." – "No, thanks, your new couch is a terror to sleep on; I preferred the old, lumpy one." – "Too true, maybe we could move the old one back from the attic to its rightful place tomorrow? But first I have to change the sheets, I never started to like these matching sets Derek got us, or better said himself because he never asked me." – "I am gonna help you."

After changing the sheets, they visit the bathroom and get under the sheets, there is no awkwardness, they have known each other to long for such stupid feelings.

When Lexie peeks inside the room of her older sister; she has to smile at the peaceful picture in front of her. Even as Alex' ex-girlfriend, she can see how comfortable they are with each other, like an old sweatshirt you have got for years and would never give away. Both have small smiles in their faces, what they might be dreaming about, surely not about the reality because especially in Meredith's case there wouldn't be anything to smile about.


	3. Sleeping, Dreaming, Playing around

The closing of the door wakes Meredith up, she thinks about the dream, she just has had. There were happy children running around in her backyard and herself with the arms of a man around her. But now, awaken she knows that her dream was a sequence far from the reality, which is hard to face. She knows after many tries that there would be only a slight chance of children ahead in her future.

She shudders and curls herself a little tighter into herself, till she is in a foetus position. But something is blocking her from moving into her perfect self pitying position; warm arms are holding her close to a warm body. It is not restricting but comfortable; she might even say she feels safe. A feeling that hasn't been there for awhile.

She is moving around somehow distressed, wait SHE? God, how much did I drink last night and who did I take home with me - home? Where the hell am I? I recognize the smell in front of me, it is Meredith. Nothing happened, we are at her place or no, remembering our talk earlier, it is my place again, too.

I am so terrible glad about this change because this has been the only true home I have ever had, where I could be myself and didn't have to pretend to be someone else, her I can cry, scream, laugh and nobody, who matters, would think less of me.

Hearing her whimpering and feeling her curling into herself even more, I just hold her and start murmuring soothing words into her hair. Hoping it would haven an effect.

After a while I feel Meredith trying to turn around in my arms, I give her the leverage to do so. She seems relieved that it is me. I smile at her and she smiles back at me, a smile that even reaches her eyes, how have I missed these smiles, which make her shine. Then she snuggles closer into my chest and takes a deep breath.

He smells god, somehow like home and reliability, I know that there is nothing that smells safe, but smelling him I just feel at home and safe; now I am starting to sound creepy. I don't want to let go, I want to stay here forever.

Not many people around me have ever been reliable, even less in the last months. I know that I haven't done anything to show that I am trustworthy myself, but I couldn't let Dr. Webber, Richard, live through this horror again, if there was the slightest possibility to change Richard' and Adele's fate. I lost so many people and chances, but wouldn't change my actions if I could turn back time. Still what am I going to do now, where am I going to find a job? I know that I have ultimately lost Derek, his personal and professional trust, Zola, Bailey and presumably so many more, also I have thrown away so many chances for my professional future.

Who is going to offer a job to a doctor, who has destroyed a trial? I think I should move, someplace, where nobody knows me or of my past, what is keeping me here. Most of us are going to move after the test at the end of the year. Does it even matter whether I move now or in a few months? A fresh start sounds wonderful. I could stay in contact with the few important people in my life because I am certain, those people would stand beside me and in close contact, regardless of how big the distance between us might be. Hopefully!

"Mer, Mer, hey, everything is ok… Come on, look at me. Baby Girl." – "Baby Girl?" Meredith looks up at Alex, who has the decency to blush, he tries to turn his face away from her, but she could still see it, highlighted by the light that falls from the street lamps through the curtains onto Alex' face. "Sorry, I have no idea why I said it, maybe a slip of tongue." – "Alex, relax, take a deep breath, it is okay, it is just been a while, since someone used a term of endearment in my presence."

I just want to hug her and never let her go; I don't want her to get hurt any more. That has to stop now! No, I am going to put a stop to it, I going to stop all of them, especially Derek, that stupid hair loving idiot. She is looking at me with these big, teary eyes, she should smile and be happy; better said we should smile and be happy. "Then I will start using such terms, okay." – "Alexxxx, … Hmm. That seems reasonable. Thank you!" There is this smile again. "But only if I get to use them also." – "What? Meredith no way!" – "Afraid, you might loose your bad boy image? I am sorry to hurt you, but that has flown out of the window a long, long time ago." Now, she is even smirking. This little trickster. "You think I am no longer a bad boy, an asshole?" – "Yes, you are a cuddly teddy bear…." – "Cuddly teddy bear? Do I look or act like a cuddly teddy bear?" –

"Sure, you are holding me in your arms, sharing the bed with me, to make me feel better, you took him home, you shielded me from the others at work and that is only some of the stuff you did for me in the last twelve hours, if you think about it, you might realize that there is and was so much more, and if you widen your horizon to other people than me, like Eva, Arizona, Izzie, Addison, George, Lexie, Christina, all the children you work with, then there are so many situations, which show that you are a loveable and kind person. You might not believe me, so trust the instinct of the kids. Kids love you and they are usually pretty good judges." – "You are getting me all teary eyed. Baby Girl, maybe I am no longer an asshole, but I am still a whole manly guy."

He moves them in a way that he is on his hands and knees above her; they are smirking and starring in each others eyes. Alex looks ready to attack, holding both of her slim wrists in one hand, while he is moving his other hand toward her rib cage. She starts struggling against his hold on her. "No, Alex. I didn't mean it like this." She can't continue speaking because she is giggling and laughing so much, that she has to concentrate on breathing, while he keeps on tickling her. "Say that I am a manly man, say it Meredith. I am not going to stop…" – "No, you are a cuddly teddy bear!" He stops tickling her for a few seconds to take off his shirt. "Does this look like the body of a cuddly teddy bear? Hmm, does it?" Meredith first thought this would be the chance to free her from Alex' hold and start attacking him. But the sight of Alex' naked upper body in front of her, makes her halt in her movements.

She can't help herself, but stare at him. She hasn't seen Alex half-naked in a while; he must have re-started working out after moving from the house. Still she doesn't want to give him the upper hand, so she says pouting "Teddy bear, give me a cuddle, please…" Alex has enough "That is it; you are so going to get it. I am NO teddy bear. Just wait."

They start to romp around on the bed, like five-year-olds. Suddenly the door opens and they see three heads sticking into the room. April, Jackson and Lexie look at them, seemingly unsure what to make out and say about the scene in front of them.


End file.
